Wernham Hogg Forum

BILLY V2.0 · Sat Jul 29, 2006 9:27 pm Village fair? Village unfair more like.

Today I helped out at our villages annual fair/fete type thing. I was in charge of the minigolf, which was not quite what I expected. The entire fair was held in what was the equivalent to about a quarter of a football pitch, and by minigolf what they actually meant was a long plank of wood with 6 holes cut into it, leant up against a wall. Like so..

I started at 1pm, and it was going well. I was surprised how fun it actually was. I was like a cockney selling fruit & veg. I even yelled a few bits of dirty innuendo related to holes in one, which died on there arse. But it was very charming, and everybody knew eachother. Its not until you move to the countryside that you realise it is actually exactly like Emmerdale, only without a bloke called Shagrat.

It was a quid for 6 shots, so theoretically the top score was 300. Taking into consideration the state of the ground, and the shitness of the tiny putter, a score of over 100 was no mean feat. After about 2 hours, and 80 odd quid made the leader a 10 year old kid with 120 points. He was about the 3rd person to go, and had stood there for a good 90 minutes afterwards grinning as customer upon customer failed to beat his score. He was telling me how he has Tiger Woods golf on his ps2, and watches it on bbc. I should also mention that the stall next to me was run by the wife of little known tv presenter, and golfing enthusiast, Steve Ryder. Unfortunately Steve had prior obligations, but I'm sure he would've been impressed with the professional approach I took to running my golfing establishment.

Come 3:15pm, and it was raffle time. I wasn't allowed to leave my post, but business had dried up. A rather well dressed gentleman approached me and asked if he could try his luck. He stepped up and scored a 50 on his first shot, which was impressive. There was a big dip directly in front of the ball which most people failed to account for. I placed it there before opening time, just to add an element of strategy. Putts 2 and 3 followed suite, and he was now the top scorer. The kid had left for the raffle, but his heartbreak was to come later in the day. After 5 perfect putts, the codger let his little kid take the final shot. She was fucking wank, and he ended up with a score of 250 points. The prize was 20 quid, but because people didn't stay till the end I was taking down phonenumbers. The bloke gave me his number and whilst doing so, informed me that he was a member of a golf club. I had pondered putting up a "no professionals" signpost at the start of the precedings, but I honestly didn't expect anybody half good to actually wipe the floor with a bunch of children. Unfortunately he had paid his money, and his score was valid so I had to take the number. Business died down after that. People would approach and ask what the top score was, then just leave. Adults weren't even letting there children play, because there was zero chance of winning. I said to one of the kids "its the taking part that counts!" and there parent glared at me, as if that £1 was all they money they had left in the world. For that split second, I felt tremendous sympathy with the carnival gypsies I once mocked.

Naturally I was livid. I had been on my legs for a good 3 hours by now, doing my bit for the community. This bloke was drinking in the bar directly opposite my stall, with a more or less clear view of anybody putting. He obviously intended to stay until the end and gain his winnings. Why a member of a golf club would need £20 is beyond me, but he obviously had some sort of inferiority complex. I imagine he used to get hammered at proper golf, and began travelling the country going from fete to fete, earning a living that way.
Unfortunately for him and as previously mentioned, he failed to take his 6th shot. This meant that 5 50's, and any other points gained would beat him. Many came, with coin in hand. Yet all of them left defeated. I have to admit, I took a sort of sadistic pleasure from watching adults scolding there children for failing to even score 20 points, but I couldn't help be annoyed that this persons score had seriously damaged my stalls income. By 4:45pm or so, almost everybody had left. The previous top scorer had arrived and been informed of the bad news. His parents carried him off sobbing. I'd basically given up, and just popped my headphones on. This 10 year old kid with downs syndrome was potting away without a care in the world. He had about 30 shots, and failed to pot a single one. As I listened to the Dylan blowing away on his harmonica, and watched this absolute cretin have the time of his life smashing golf balls against the wall, a plan formed in my head. I glanced over at the bar - and noticing that the reigning champ was nowhere to be seen - I entered a new top score of 270, and put a made up phonenumber alongside it. Immediately afterwards I told the spaz kid to fuck off, and began packing away.
I was about to say my goodbyes, the old bloke came over with a smug grin, and I informed him that he didn't win. He asks who did, and I tell him it was an elderly gentleman who used to play semi-professionally. He looked incensed, shook my hand and left the fete with his head hung in shame.

I told the organiser the entire story and he congratulated me on my quick thinking. I also recommended to him that next year he have separate highscores for children and adults which he said he would take on board. I was going to ask about actually buying some proper clubs, but I had pushed my luck as it was. I wasn't about to start badgering for a place on the village council. My radical golfing ideas would have these wrinklies questioning everything they've ever believed in.

All in all, I was proud of my days work, and I made about £150 to put towards a new goat or something, I dunno. I did make a bit of a tit of myself, when a very attractive girl spoke to me for a good 5 minutes about various fair type things, then had a go and scored 0, to which I laughed at every failed shot. She threw the putter on the floor afterwards and just left. I realised immediately what a complete dick I had been, but in my defence she was a terrible golfer, and I wasn't the only one laughing.

I'll be there next year, dunlop in hand. I'm going to sort out a sponsorship deal with Steve Ryder, and take a share of the profit. Its business. Steve would understand.

Dananiel · Sat Jul 29, 2006 10:31 pm

So to summarise: you stood on a crazy golf course in the middle of Royston Vasey all day, mocked a spaz and cheated a man out of rightfully winning.

This is why you should stay indoors.

RChappo · Sun Jul 30, 2006 1:33 am Re: Village fair? Village unfair more like.

Billy wrote: I should also mention that the stall next to me was run by the wife of little known tv presenter, and golfing enthusiast, Steve Ryder. .

You are doing Mr "Catcher In The" Ryder a great disservice with that statement. I shall have to write a letter. :?

COCKTEASE · Sun Jul 30, 2006 11:08 am

i can't believe you wrote all that

Pah. · Sun Jul 30, 2006 8:39 pm

or next year unleash a wild animal upon everyone.
tiger .. field.

pokeh · Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:40 am

billybillybillybillybilly

i can't believe i wrote all that

BILLY V2.0 · Mon Aug 14, 2006 4:02 am

meisadumb1 wrote: i can't believe you wrote all that

Yeah, it was fairly pointless really.

This forum.

The Nadine Experience · Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:33 am

hahaha, love you.

good read.