Wernham Hogg Forum

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:09 pm Post subject: i love my housemate

i really do.

i was on here happily typing away, when a fucking huge bee flew into my room. i'm not exxagerating here, it was an absolute beast. naturally i bombed it out of my room, slamming the door behind me. now as this is a shared house, each door has a lock and its own key. just the one key. i always leave my key in the keyhole on the outside because a) i don't expect anybody to actually rob me and b) i know that if i don't i'll leave it in here and close the door behind me.

well, today was that day. i realised instantly what i had done, and felt like a fucking idiot. my phone and wallet were inside, so there was no chance of calling anyone for help, or getting the bus to a mates. i should also mention i was wearing just a pair of pyjama trousers.

i leaned against the sink for a bit, close to tears, and then decided to go down and tell my housemate what had happened. we've lived together for about 6 weeks (i was here for 6 weeks on my own first) and we rarely speak, but usually exchange hellos. he snores very loudly, which frustrates me but obviously i would never say anything to him about it because i don't want to cause tension. anyway, i tell this guy what i've done and he tells me there's a ladder in the next door neighbours garden. my room is on the top floor, and i hate heights. add to the fact i'm dressed in some chequered trousers, and you can see why i wasn't keen to get up there. this bloke i live with, this 40 year old short fella, offered to go up there for me. now i wasn't keen on this because he's hardly at the peak of health, and if he were to fall to a bloody death, it'd basically be all my fault. other factors that stopped me from wanting him to enter my room via the window were a) i had a particularly odd somethingawful thread open, b) there is a pile of cakes underneath my window that he would have to tread all over to get in and c) i smoke in here despite not being allowed, and by covering the door frame in bed covers i have so far avoided detection. however my ashtray is on the windowledge and the entire room stinks of smoke

unfortunately there literally wasn't another choice. i haven't seen the landlord in two months, and there's little chance that were he by some strange coincidence to turn up today he would have a key on him anyway. so the little guy steps up, and does me a great favour by scaling the ladder, opening the door, and letting me back into my room. he doesn't mention the smoke, the dodgy browser i had open, or the fact that i'm such a pussy i refused to climb a ladder, but instead stand in the middle of a rough estate in just my pyjamas.

it was such a horrible feeling, knowing my phone and my money were inside. i felt so helpless. had this guy not been here, i literally would've been waiting for days or possibly weeks for a solution. i could hardly go outside in a pair of pyjama trousers could i? and even if i did, i had no means of paying for transport, nor did i know anybodys number off by heart to come and help me.

my heart is pumping like mad now. i've got an adrenelin rush from watching somebody else risk life and death because i'm a berk.

before the ladder solution, he actually tried to scale the wall via the window in the room next to mine, which was open. there was may 10 inches between my window and that one, but nothing to grab onto. he was hanging out and i was actually terrified, shouting "honestly mate, please get back inside. please. i'm going to be sick" - he was so ruddy bloody brave
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 3:33 pm Post subject:

FUCKING HELL

i sat in here for about 15 minutes and for some reason it never occured to me that the bee might still be in here. well it fucking was! it flew out of my slightly open box of sugar puffs, and it was a queen bee! or something. it had a big white arse. it was absolutely massive. i doused it with deoderant to make it drowsy, and then clobbered it with my shoes. i haven't had them heeled yet, so they were nice and solid. it's in the bin now, next to a tissue full of spunk.

i've had far too much excitement for one day.
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

Elliott · Sexmonster Joined: 29 Jan 2007 Posts: 397

I don't think the end of that story would be as funny in any format other than posts on a message board!

I think I might steal that story for a short film.
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My music video (again)

Dananiel · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 6:13 pm Post subject:

You should buy him a peanut butter Kit Kat to say thanks. Or maybe crack open a bottle of Sunny Delight and stick two straws in.

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 6:35 pm Post subject:

i was going to give him a fiver for helping me out but i'm not sure if he would find that offensive. he is unemployed, but he might think i'm rubbing it in his face. i'll hose the bath down next time i use it, as a way of saying thank you
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

Elliott · Sexmonster Joined: 29 Jan 2007 Posts: 397

Most blokes love an excuse to use a ladder, so don't worry, he'll be rewarded enough.
Next time you're drinking together, get him a pint.
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My music video (again)

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:13 pm Post subject:

it'll be a depressing scene if i ever end up sharing a pint with him. i have a some ribena up here but i mixed it myself and it's really strong. i'm not sure he could handle it.

he did look incredibly pleased with himself afterwards, actually. he sat on the wall catching his breath and i was thanking him sincerely (i was very relieved he had gone up there) and he sort of brushed it off as nothing, but i can tell he's going to start asking me for favours soon. if it's anything sexual i'm moving out.
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

Dananiel · Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 7:29 pm Post subject:

No, you'll think "right that's lunch" and then you'll think "maybe I might be a bit gay" and then you'll think "fuck this, I'm gonna have full gay sex" and then as it nears closer you'll grab your PC and run away.

I'm like a cross between Mystic Meg and a very good psychologist.

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 12:29 am Post subject:

delete this post
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 12:46 am Post subject:

and this one
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

Dananiel · Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 2:27 am Post subject:

If only there was a way to view post history.

Pah. · Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 1:07 pm Post subject:

you should lock him in and do something heroic to help him escape, then you'll be even and no gay sex will happen!

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 8:54 pm Post subject:

BILLY V2.0 · Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 10:11 am Post subject:

i hate my housemate again now. he woke me up at 4am last night having a nightmare, screaming "OH GOD. OH NO. PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP. AHHH, OH GOD" etc. utter nutter.
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Carlton Palmer doing his impression of a man with brain damage

Elliott · Sexmonster Joined: 29 Jan 2007 Posts: 397

Bet that was really you, having had some bee-based dream.

Apologise to him when you see him next, best get these things out in the open.
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My music video (again)